10 Astonishing Activities You Need to Stop Doing
The Visitor We Wish Would Leave
Advancing age brings visitors we’d like to avoid. One of these is that very pesky old gent called ‘Osteo Arthur Itis”. His visits are painful episodes to endure and in the beginning, his visits are relatively short. We’re always so glad to see him leave and pray that he won’t come back. But he does return. And as the years go by, he seems to think he deserves a regular guest room in your house and certainly an active part in your life. And that’s why Seniors, I’m writing to give you this list of 10 Astonishing Activities You Need to Stop Doing.
The Jealous Visitor Interferes
As his visits increase, we find we are forced to spend more and more of our valuable time with him. In doing so, we begin to realize that he has impacted our lives and our activities are being curtailed.
Today, I’m sorry to say, I feel compelled to give you a list of 10 astonishing activities that you need to stop doing once he arrives. He can’t do these and so he likes to interfere with our attempts to sneak out and do them without him. Believe me, when I tell you, he finds out before we have a chance to enjoy any of them and becomes vicious in his jealousy of our attempts.
I’ve known him to push people and make them fall. Other times he distracts attention when we need it most and we find ourselves falling flat on our faces. There are so many things we want to do now that we are retired, so it’s easier to just stop doing these activities so you’ll be able to do others where he can come along. It’s the safest way to take even though you may not like my advice.
10 Astonishing Activities You Need to Stop Doing
- Sky Diving
- Bungee Jumping
- Ski Jumping
- Roller Derby
- Bronco Busting
- Skateboarding. Oh, so much fun to give a push with one foot while the other is on that sloped board. Suddenly you’re soaring down the sidewalk, keeping up with the grandchildren. Laughter and giggles galore. But suddenly, Osteo Arthur throws a wee pebble in our path and the board stops while we continue to do a ‘splat’. Ouff – crack. Yes, it’s the forearm that braced the fall. Time for a visit to the ER and a dose of plaster applied where we’d rather have a pretty sleeve.
- Surfing. Surfs up. Waves are coming in and that curl just calls us to ride again. We lay down and paddle out, watching for the “ONE”. Here it comes. We start to stand up, but suddenly Arthur is there and we can’t get our knees to straighten up. Splash. Gurgle. The restraint on our ankle holding the board in place snaps hard and once again – ‘crack’. Yep. The ankle is broken.
Oh dear. Here comes the surgeon. Seems bones are sticking out at odd angles and need to be screwed back into place. Of course, once again you’re being gifted with another dose of plaster and in addition, the nice people at the hospital have given you a lovely pair of crutches to go with it. You just can’t surf with crutches. Dang!
That’s a Start – Want More?
- Rumblings. All your friends are on their way out to the red neighborhood across town.
Everyone has their weapons of choice. You want to join the melee. After all, you just got a new pistol for Christmas and haven’t had a chance to use it yet. Doesn’t matter who we’re going after tonight – just want to be in on the action. “Bang”. “Zing”. “Pop”. AAAAHhhch. You’ve been hit. Chest shot.
You’re having trouble breathing. Not too much blood in front. But what’s all that wet stuff you’re lying in. You’re sure glad to see the cops arrive tonight. And the ambulance. Easy guys. Things hurt. Thanks for the oxygen and covering that hole. I can breathe a tad bit better but boy, does that hurt now. Yep. It’s surgery again. This time you wake up in the ICU with tubes coming out of your chest, arms, and partsyou’d rather not discuss.
Guess that means the cruise you planned for next week is postponed.
Get Ready for the Good Ones
- Sky Diving. Well, okay. I guess the part in the sky is okay to do. It’s just the landings that are a bit hard on the hips. Yes, you know to do that roll when you hit the ground. But stop and think. You’re flat on the ground. Are you really going to be able to get up from there?
- Bungee Jumping.You do remember that you have to CLIMB UP onto the rail across that bridge before you can take off. Yeah – that waist-high rail. And you’ve got that harness on to boot. Do you really think you’re going to get up there? Also, you know many things that used to be all so tight to your body are now – well they are further away – not really sagging – but okay – they are sagging. Can you imagine how much more they are going to stretch when you do this? And then they’re going to snap back into place with a big thwack. No – not really worth it – is it?
- Ski Jumping. We glide out ready to soar and then the spine begins to creak. Up in the air, suddenly we are pain-free and the world around us is wonderful. Unfortunately, the ride ends way too soon and the landing is in sight. Oh yes. More than in sight. The landing is much too soon. It was a perfect landing, but – those knees wouldn’t bend quick enough. Once again we hear that now familiar ‘crack’ and looking down are amazed to see that those lovely leg bones are now exposed and have some jagged edges poking through the skin. You know the drill now. OR again. And a visit from Mr. Plaster Cast.
Wow. Carrying around an extra 20 pounds isn’t so easy. Have to spend some time in rehab getting all sorts of therapy and when it’s over, that walker really does help you get around.
- Rollerblading. This one is similar to #1 with similar results. But oh, so much fun and to have to give it up. YUK Nana. Doesn’t seem fair. But, broken arms, wrists, ankles, legs and hips aren’t worth the risk. Besides, the grands are now faster than you are. And they are doing turnarounds and jumps trying to show you what to do.
- Roller Derby. The team is going to have to learn to do without you, my friend. Those bumps and spills that are inevitable now. Arthur hurts already and you want to give him more to bother you with?
And Now – The Really Good Ones
- Bronco Busting. This was never a tame sport and you already have bruises and breaks from earlier days. You do know that many of those were invitations for Arthur to come for a longer visit. It’s not the riding that’s the problem. I know you’re one of the best. But remember – there are 1000 people who are going to be watching you try to get up after you get thrown. And your walker isn’t going to be out there. I can just hear the ribbing the clowns are giving you when it takes 3 of them to get you on your feet.
I had to add this one
- Prostitution. Well, you knew it couldn’t go on forever. Even with the little blue pills, can you really get on your knees for that long? And let’s face it, that
wrinkled skin and the sags really cut into your business. Seems everyone now days is looking for uplift and tight and you don’t have that anymore.
You do remember how many pills you’ll have to add to the ones you’re already taking when finally, the inevitable HIV shows up. You won’t have time for work with all the pills you’ll be taking. And more doctor – visits at least monthly. More blood work tossed in. You’ll spend much of your workday just swallowing pills. And Arthur, your now constant friend, just seems to flourish on the new diagnosis.
Yes, my senior friend, life brings these drastic changes that we must consider curtailing for our safety. You’ve already taped down all those throw rugs, learned to wipe up spills immediately and are now wearing sensible shoes. The tubs and showers have slip-proof mats and you keep that cell phone in a pocket so it’s with you all the time. There’s a comprehensive list of safety tips here. It’s always a good idea to review them.
And now Nana is recommending that you give up all the fun stuff too? Really? Well, I just want you to be safe my friend. I enjoy your company and want to have you around for years to come. So, please take heed and do stop these activities. Stick around and maybe together we can come up with some other fun things to do – do you play canasta? Bridge? Maybe there’s still some noodles left that we can use to float around the pool.
I’m sure you all realize that Nana’s advice here is tongue-in-cheek humor – posted to give you a laugh and brighten your day.
Call to Action
Come up with a list of things that you like to do that fall into the safe zone. Ones that Arthur doesn’t like. Tee-Hee – maybe we can send him on his way to visit someone who doesn’t listen to Nana.
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Love, Hugs, and Prayers,
“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles;
they shall run and not be weary
and they shall walk and not faint.”
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